Welcome back to 30 Days of D/s! Except this one is in weeks. Today we're talking about safewords, which are words or phrases used in a kinky scene or while having sex to stop everything. Some people don’t use or want a safeword, but if you're in a relationship where kinky things are involved, a safeword is almost imperative. If you’re in a new relationship or trying a new kink, it is something you must think about. What is your "stop" if something becomes more than you can handle or you have a moment where you need a break?
Safewords aren't the the only way to be safe, but the principle of a safeword, of having a stop if you need it, is crucial to a healthy, consensual relationship.
So, the question today is, what’s your safeword?
I would not recommend this to just anyone, and definitely not for someone in a casual play environment, but my safewords are "No" or "Stop". There's a very good reason for me personally to have this be the case.
Before my Husband and I were married, we did a lot of therapy with a wonderful woman who understood my needs as a woman working through sexual abuse and trauma. One of the things she told my Husband was that my thought processes surrounding sex and my need for a safe space mentally and physically were going to require a different approach. We talked about limits, boundaries, and all the things necessary to ensure our sex life was both fulfilling, exciting, and as safe.
From our conversations, one thing that was clear was that my words had always been powerless. Stop meant nothing, No meant nothing, and to continue the process of healing and taking control back in my life, these words needed to transform in my mind to words that held meaning. So, No and Stop are the words that make everything stop.
I know that if I say No, or Stop, my Husband is going to stop whatever he's doing. I am very careful to say anything else during kinky play because I pretty much never want him to stop and these words now hold great power for me in a sexual context.
He's very good about checking in with me, asking how I'm doing if he senses any hesitation, but for the most part, he knows that unless I say stop, he has free reign to do as he pleases. And he does please!
I can ask him to slow down or give me a minute if I need it, but we've developed communication that works well for us in our long-term, monogamous, relationship.
Depending on the relationship(s) you're in, whether casual, committed, poly, whatever, you will need to find what works for you and what you are comfortable with. Your safeword should be something you'll remember in the heat of the moment, but not something you would normally say in the heat of the moment. It might seem boring, but the stoplight system is a great one and mostly understood universally. Red for stop, yellow for slow down, Green for all good, go, go, go.
If you are in a situation where you can't speak, there are safe actions, like dropping a scarf or snapping your fingers. The important thing is that you have a way to stop play if you need to. This is for the health and well-being of everyone involved. Play should always be safe, sane, and consentual no matter what kind of relationship you're in and safewords or safe actions are a great way to ensure it stays that way.
If you don't want to have a safeword or action, why not? If you don't have a safeword, what do you use, or will you use, in its place?
© Hey, Mrs. Robinson | T.J. Robinson