I know these posts are part of my 30 Days(weeks) of D/s exploration, and should, therefore, be focused on D/s, but I want to say something about limits that I think is very important.
Limits matter everywhere.
In the vanilla world, limits are these little things called boundaries. Some people are good with them, some are not. I'll talk about sexual limits in a minute because I know that's why you came (hehe, I said came), but for a moment I want to address an issue I see all too often, an issue I struggled massively with for most of my life. Once I put limits in place for myself and those around me, guess what? Life got better.
Understanding limits (boundaries) and why you need them, nay, why they are crucial to your health and well-being mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially etc.
Setting limits is not an easy task. Sure, it's fairly easy (for me) to say, "I absolutely do not, under any circumstances, want to be peed upon, defecated on, bled on or made to bleed. Hard Stop. No." That's easy, right? Easy for me because those things would make me vomit, I'm sure. For you, maybe you say yes to some of those things - okay, that's your thing and it's cool, but not for me. So, I can easily and unequivocally say red lights to that, but what about when my mom slights me or refuses to call me by my name? What about when that lady at church always wants to give a hug I don't want? What about when I'm working and my wonderful, interesting Husband wants to tell me something he's just discovered?
Do you see? Limits matter everywhere, but understanding yourself and what you need (or need to stop) from the people around you is sometimes much more difficult, yet just as important, as understanding the sexual context of limits. Limits and boundaries are part of negotiation and something you need to get good at, no matter how uncomfortable it is at first. If you have a good mentor or a good Dom (or therapist) who can help you with a bit of discovery, getting comfortable setting limits in a safe place may actually help you in setting limits in other areas of your life.
I had a hell of a time setting boundaries with people in my everyday life. It was something my therapist and I spent many hours working on. In my marriage, my husband and I both have boundaries or limits that we've set with each other and with the people around us.
I had to learn to stand my ground with my mother and demand she call me by my name. At first, it was SO uncomfortable and she was very angry at my stand, but now she knows when she enters our home, she addresses me by my name. I cannot begin to tell you how worth the "hard time" was to get to that place.
I do the administrative work for my husband's business and one of the limits we've had to put in place is that I get to say to him, "I want to hear what you have to say, but you can't interrupt me for the next *however much time I need to complete this thing*. Because my Husband is fascinating. I love listening to him, but I don't get the work done when we're always talking! That one was the brilliance of my therapist, who told me, "prioritize the priority, not the distraction. Even when your Husband is the distraction." And she knows exactly how distracting he can be, and also what we're working toward in our business.
I had to tell a nice lady at church that I appreciate her kindness, but I don't like to be hugged - because she is just so overjoyed to see everyone that she can't help but just come up and give you a hug. Having been through so much abuse, unsolicited physical touch is difficult for me to process, but also difficult to pull away from. So, I kind of just smile and get a bit awkward and try to shrug off the feelings that rise up. Telling this woman I preferred not to be hugged felt like kicking a puppy, but she was very gracious and doesn't hug me now unless I initiate it. Her feelings weren't hurt, as was my fear, and she is no less friendly toward me. She does respect my boundaries and I adore her for the easy way in which she agreed to them.
Limits matter everywhere. The more you work on setting limits in your life, the easier it gets.
Okay, now that I've said all that, let's get into the more fun stuff.
Sexually speaking, everyone has limits. Some are hard limits - things you refuse to do, and some are soft - you might do them under the right circumstances, with the right person, or at least once to try it. The discussion of limits is such a big part of D/s and kink, it's always a good idea to think about them - no matter where you are in your relationship.
Before my husband and I got married, we did a lot of counseling with my therapist. I had many issues to work through when it came to sex and relationships, so we spent quite a few hours talking about sex. My limits and my Husband's limits were things we discussed (along with many, many, other things), but there were two things that were absolutely off the table in the beginning, but are things I can't imagine NOT doing now.
Bondage - this is something that seems almost foundational to a kinky relationship, but would absolutely send me into a panic attack. Me, in a panic attack, is not a pretty thing, let me tell you that right now. We played with mental bondage ("keep your hands here. Don't move") which can be just as hot, and sometimes requires more concentration, but physical bondage was a hard limit - until it wasn't.
One day, I told my Husband, "I want you to tie me up." He looked at me with a mix of curiosity and hesitation, because he knows my history, he knows why bondage was a hard limit, but he said, "Are you sure? We're going to talk to Anne about this."
We made an appointment with my therapist and talked it out with her. She gave us suggestions and ways to work on bondage techniques from baby steps to keep that panic response at bay while I built new response patterns.
We literally started with laying a rope over one wrist while I kept my hand in place and worked our way up slowly from there. Now, my Husband ties me like I'm some kind of contortionist and I LOVE it. Could another person get near me with a rope or any other bondage device? Probably not. But that's why my Husband is my Husband.
Anal Sex - This was a hard limit for three years of our marriage. I was willing to wear a plug and often would wear one while we had sex, but I just couldn't make the leap to anal - until he did. One day, my Husband handed one of our dildos to me and told me to fuck his ass. I was astonished and quite frightened. Because of my own experiences, I was terrified of hurting him, but he guided me through the entire process until I was stroking his cock with one hand and fucking his ass with the toy in the other. That got me so aroused, I came when he did without touching myself with anything other than the towel I was sitting on. My Husband is a very smart man. After that, I was ready to let him try his hand on my ass. He's a very patient man. We went slow, slow, slow, but now it's on my top five list of favorite things we do.
I have limits that won't change:
No urination or defecation. No cutting or edge play, no names like babygirl, good girl, slut or whore. No illegal activities (even though we have had sex in the car multiple times!). I know there are some others, but these are the absolutely nots. For the most part, I'm pretty open to trying anything he wants and he is the same.
As always, thank you for reading!
Do you know what your hard limits are?
Are there a few things you'd like to try but you're a little nervous?
If you'd like some aditional resources to help you think about this topic, try any of these:
Kink Checklist - A PDF checklist Loving D/s put together for newsletter subscribers.
Understanding Boundaries and Limits in D/s (podcast episode)
© Hey, Mrs. Robinson | T.J. Robinson