It's week 8 in my 30 Days(weeks) of D/s and this week we're talking about emotions, so let's dive into these deep waters.
Negative emotions, emotions, are natural and normal. As human beings, emotions are things we all learn to deal with (hopefully!), but once you’re in a relationship, particularly a D/s relationship, there will be expectations of how you behave with your partner. It's important that both (all) parties, regardless how you identify, be polite and respectful when emotional issues arise. Often, this is easier said than done and it takes practice. The more you practice handling emotions in positive, healthy ways, the easier it will become, even in particularly trying situations.
How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now?
Now, I handle these emotions much better than I used to! I still have difficulty expressing my emotions, but feelings like fear and anger used to cause me to simply shut down. I would stop communicating and pull into myself like a turtle, a protective mechanism picked up in childhood and carried through my early adult years.
It's taken some therapy, a lot of effort on my part, and much patience on my Husband's part, but I'm decent now at communicating my feelings when I'm afraid, frustrated, or angry. It's fairly embarrasing, but if I'm really angry or really afraid and asked to talk about it, I just cry. Once I've cried for a bit, I can talk and it's okay, but that's what happens. Sometimes I need to let the pressure out before I can have a thoughtful, cohesive conversation. Sometimes we have angry sex and then snuggle and talk afterward (I'm rarely angry with my Husband, so angry sex is usually me angry, and him using that energy to his advantage *he loves this*) The point is, sometimes you have to discharge emotional energy in a positive way so you can talk about what caused the emotion and what you want to do about it.
No matter what your emtions are doing, communication with your partner(s) is the key to keeping your relationship healthy and happy.
I'd like to take a moment to address something I feel is crucial to maintaining trust and good will in your relationship. It's part of my and my Husband's constitution - the rules that govern our relationship, and it's something couples in long-term, successful reltionships have told us over and over again.
If you are feeling angry toward your partner, or afraid of something (non-threatening to your health and well-being - I'm NOT speaking of abuse here), or jealous for any reason:
TALK TO YOUR PARTNER!
Do not air your grievances on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/blog/whatever, before you and your partner have had a good sit-down and a serious chat about how you or they are feeling. Give them and yourself an opportunity to address and resolve whatever the emotions are, BEFORE you go to those on the outside.
In our constitution, it states:
Neither my husband nor I will take a grievance to anyone other than each other until we've addressed the issue face-to-face first. We will not bring outsiders (an outsider is anyone who isn't him or I) into our marriage negotiations or conversations until we've done our best between ourselves and if we need help, we will bring into the process first, our therapist. Second, his mom. Third, his sister. If we aren't able to come to a resolution with any of those three - we're in trouble! Please note that his mom and sister are as much my mom and sister and will take my side in a heartbeat if he's in the wrong! Truly, they are my family even more than my own blood relatives (except my sister, who is very close to me.)
So be emotional, don't be afraid of them, especially if you have a partner who gives you a safe space to express yourself. A great partner will give you safe space to express your emotions, even when they're aimed at them. Be the kind of partner who is safe to express to as well. When your partner tells you how they're feeling, do you listen to understand, or do you discount their emotions? Are you a safe place for your partner or are you someone they hide their emotions from? If so, why? Do you feel safe expressing your emotions to your partner? If not, why? Is it because of something they've actually done to make you feel unsure, or becuase of your own insecurities holding you back?
Emotions are a big topic. Don't be afraid to tackle them with your partner. Talking about emotions builds intimacy and trust. Who doesn't want more of that?
As always, thank you for reading! If you'd like more resources to help you think about this topic, just click the links below:
Disagreements and Arguments in D/s Relationships (podcast episode)
Effective Communication in D/s Relationships (podcast episode)
© Hey, Mrs. Robinson | T.J. Robinson