Dominance Isn't Just for BDSM

This is the first post of what will be my Thoughtful Friday series where I'll talk about relationships or things pertaining to them. This is the first of a 30-week journey through Kayla Lords' 30 Days of D/s (I say 30 weeks because for my own time constraints, I am committing to one post a week) and I'm both excited and nervous. As you can see, the title for this entry could be provocative for some readers and it's not my intent to provocate or disrespect, but to instead offer a different perspective.

I believe there are many, like myself, who fall neither in the fully vanilla camp, nor in the fully D/s camp, and I'm here to say you can be perfectly happy in that middle ground. But It's not just going to happen overnight. You've got to be willing to have some tough, honest communication with your partner and you've got to be willing (and able) to negotiate (Oh look! It's a little D/s word) and compromise. I'm writing this from the perspective of someone in a not quite vanilla relationship with super kinky tendencies. I call it my H/w (Husband/wife) relationship.

I should give a disclaimer here:

I have only been involved in one "D/s" relationship, defined as such, and it was a nightmare I allowed to go on for two years. He was an abusive, cheating, lying, manipulative person who used his title as a Dominant to treat me however he pleased and do whatever he wanted. I ghosted on him. I waited until he went to work one day and left the house with my few possessions, nearly having a heart attack each time a car drove down our street, then set myself up in a small apartment and prayed he wouldn't find me. It took a few months, but he did. I was able to get a restraining order against him for a period of three-years and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

Fast forward to current times:

I do not believe I have the experience or knowledge to speak about a D/s relationship in any great depth. However, I do have the experience to speak about relationship, partnership, what makes a good partner, what makes a good relationship, and I do not believe being a Dominant and being a good person, a good partner, are mutually exclusive. I can very easily interchange the word Dominant with Husband, and everything about that, to me, will look exactly the same.

This is going to be an interesting journey for both of us. For me as the writer, for you as the reader. Why? Because I’ll be coming at these questions from a perspective you might not agree with. Or you might be someone in my boat and agree whole-heartedly. Either way, it’s going to be a learning experience! So come along with me, if you’re so adventurous, and I’ll tell you my thoughts about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Okay, maybe not all that, but I’ll do my best to answer the following questions in light of my H/w relationship.

What does Dominance in a relationship mean to you?

Dominance is an interesting thing. Let’s look at a couple definitions and maybe you’ll begin to understand my thought process and the way we govern our H/w relationship.

Merriam-Webster - Dominance: The fact or state of being dominant. Controlling, prevailing, or powerful position especially in a social hierarchy.

Merriam-Webster - Dominant: Commanding controlling, or prevailing over all others. Very important, powerful, or successful.

I’m big on definitions, so when I looked this up, I was happy to see the definition of my most trusted source (Webster!), almost identically matched my view of my Husband and his role in our relationship. In general, the Dominant partner in a relationship is the one who may “call the shots” or “have the final say”, but also, this person carries a heavy weight of responsibility. What if their decision is wrong? What if it is ultimately not the best thing for the partnership/family/spouse/etc? Those are heavy questions which must be addressed and answered within the psyche of the one who’s chosen Dominance as their role.

In my mind, the Dominant partner has the potential to have the most fun (“bossing” their subject around, especially during play), but they also have the potential for the greatest, most painful fall. A Dominant has to be a strong person who’s willing to take responsibility, willing to admit mistakes to themselves and their partner, and willing to lead as well as they command.

Merriam-Webster - Lead: To guide on a way. To direct on a course or in a direction. To direct the operations, activity, or performance of. To guide a partner through the steps of a dance - I love this one! Life is a dance we choreograph. My Husband is the man I’ve chosen to partner with in this dance. He’s my leader.

Merriam-Webster - Command: To direct authoritatively. To exercise a dominating influence over. To overlook or dominate from or as if from a strategic position.

For example: My Husband will (almost) never tell me to do something “Because I said so”. If that does happen, I’m doing that thing (or stopping something I was doing) on the double. Why? Because in our relationship, I know that if he gives me a command without explanation or resource, it’s

  • A) Because he’s about to do something that’ll bring me oodles of pleasure.
  • B) Because something needs to be done right the fuck now and there’s no time to explain. This involves things that may be jeopardizing my safety (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.), things that may be jeopardizing his safety, or the safety of others.

Other than these, my Husband will always lead first, then command once the parameters have been made clear. He will never hold me responsible for something not previously explained (barring the above examples), but once the parameters are laid out, you can bet your sweet bippy I’ve got zero excuses if I don’t follow them.

I’ll throw a wrench in your dropped jaw and tell you that I run his business and sometimes I have to make decisions that I tell him about later. I don’t consult with him on everything every day because I don’t have to. I always have to talk with him, but I know our path. I know our objectives. I know what he wants, how he operates, who he wants as clients and who he doesn’t. I know the parameters we work by. He’s the most predictable person I’ve ever known, so there’s no guesswork. Now, do I always do the right thing because of that? I’m laughing. No. I don’t, but we’ll save that for the next set of questions about what submission means.

What traits will a Dominant have?

A Dominant is still a human. We tend to think of our Dominant partners as superheroes, but it’s really important to understand and keep forefront in our minds that they are people just like us. Just because a person is Dominant in personality or has chosen to be Dominant in life/sexuality/relationship/etc. that doesn’t mean they’re infallible. They’re going to make mistakes just like the rest of us, but here are some traits I believe a good Dominant will possess.

They know themselves and understand they’re a human being with all that entails, but they don’t make excuses for bad behavior (theirs or yours).

A good Dominant will want to learn and grow as a person and seek opportunities to improve themselves.

A good Dominant will know what they want (or what they want to explore), will be willing to communicate those things openly, but will always have the best interest of their partner at the forefront.

A good Dominant will have the courage and wherewithal to call a stop to something that isn’t working and could be ultimately detrimental to their partner or themselves - no matter how they feel about it. This is true whether you’re talking about a day at the park, a scene, what you cooked for dinner, the relationship, etc.

Before he was my Husband, the man I’m married to told me one day that he could no longer associate himself with me. He removed himself from my life, with the directive that if I decide to turn around and wanted to contact him, A, B, C, and D, were the requirements. I was in a bad place and had shunned the help he tried to provide, so for his own health, he took control and sent me packing. The offer to return with caveats was there, but no matter how it destroyed him to make that call, he did it because it was what needed to be done. I’m here to tell you, he did the right thing. Being a Dominant is not always fun. Sometimes it sucks and that goes back to my previous statement about a Dominant carrying a great load of responsibility.

How should a dominant behave?

Like a decent human being! We’ve all known an asshole or two. Don’t choose that person to be your Dominant. Just don’t. You’ll save yourself so much pain and heartache. That being said, a dominant should behave like someone you’d like to spend time with. Everyone has their own little quirks that make them unique, things that draw some people to them while repelling others, and even though your chosen Dom might not be someone you spend oodles of time with – maybe it’s just someone for “casual play”, they still should be the kind of person you enjoy being around.

I’ve had plenty of casual sex with guys who were great in bed, but real jerks outside those four walls, and I’ll say very honestly that I could have done without. Looking back, one of the reasons the sex was good was because I didn’t care. I didn’t care that they weren’t decent humans. Didn’t even care how they treated me, really – all I cared about was my moment of pleasure. I was extremely selfish on many levels, so there you have it. If you’re not a selfish person and you want something good – even “casually” good, pick a partner who’s a decent human.

Have I said enough? Maybe for now, lol.

Thank you for reading and come back next Friday as I explore submission and what it means to me in my H/w relationship.

© 2017-2018 Hey, Mrs. Robinson | T.J Robinson