My brain screams at me, this is a horrible decision! But my body is already melting under his touch. I shouldn’t have come here. Cognitively, I know better. I’m better than this. But he’s shoved me against the wall and pressed his knee between my thighs while he bites at my neck. I can’t think. Hormones flood my bloodstream, short-circuiting any hope common sense will take over. My body craves him. My mind hates him, hates what he does to me in the aftermath, hates the way he makes me feel like I’m nothing without him.
Just once more. This is the last time.
We fuck. It’s hard and heavy and my body is wrung out by the time he’s done with me. I should be satisfied, but as the fog clears, all that’s left is a gaping hole of black shame. I said I was done. I’m the one who broke up with him, but my bleeding heart was no match for his begging, his pleas that he needed me, even if only as friends. He needed me. So I went to him. I didn’t plan to have sex, but he knows how to overpower me in every way imaginable. And now my heart bleeds and I hate myself once again.
I hate that I am so weak.
I hate that I succumb to him
I hate staring at the ceiling while he sleeps with his arms wrapped around me, feeling like such a complete failure.
I hate that I know he’ll do the same thing to another girl as the new day dawns.
I hate that I’ve given so much and don’t know how to get it back.
I hate that I’m too insecure to ignore his calls.
I hate myself
I hate him
I don’t know how to stop
This is definitely on the heavy side, but I think it’s is a common cycle for many people with the exes. I went back to this person who abused me in so many ways because I didn’t have the tools to get away and stay away. I did end up leaving him for good, but it wasn’t easy. I had to learn to be okay alone, to ultimately love myself before I could have the kind of relationship I longed for - before I could be the kind of person I wanted to be within a relationship.
Thank you, Marie, for this prompt that really got me thinking about some of the shitty situations I put myself in and how grateful I am for the incredible relationship I have with my husband.
© 2017-2018 Hey, Mrs. Robinson | T.J Robinson