I grew up in a very strict, conservative Christian household where sex was discussed only in hushed tones as the highest of taboos. My parents didn't even allow us to watch TV, except every Friday we could watch Family Matters and Full House - it was the highlight of the week!
Sex was a topic to steer clear of, unless to tell you it was a sin, wrong, not something to be enjoyed, and should only happen within the confines of a marriage relationship. Or if it was breeding season. Yep, everything I learned about sex, I learned from watching horses, goats, sheep, and chickens do the dirty. Chickens are seriously the fastest fuckers I've ever seen - it's crazy. So, anyway, farm-girl here, learning about sex from animals. Oh yeah, and the family member who thought it would be okay to sexually experiment with a child. That too.
I understand the mind-fuck of growing up in a "Christian" home, being constantly told by the church, parents, family friends, basically everyone in the circle of "adults" who are supposed to take care of you, that sex is a sin, and also being used for sexual acts, terrified that if you say a word, these adults will somehow hate and outcast you. It took a lot of therapy and hard work to build a toolkit to deal with those issues, but I'm living proof that there is hope for survivors of childhood abuse.
You have to be willing to walk through some sucky introspection and painful wound debriding to get to the other side of a healthy life, but the work is worth it. I still have some insecurity issues, but I'm working on them.
I clearly remember my mom telling me one day that sex wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and my immediate thought was, "then you must not be doing it right." Even at a young age (I was probably twelve or thirteen), and having nothing but traumatic experiences to that point (which no one knew about because I was a "good girl" who wasn't telling), I knew my mom's statement was wrong and I couldn't understand why she would say such a thing. It seemed so contradictory, because my father was always very loving, romantic, sweet, and affectionate. He brought my mom flowers for no reason, sent cards to say he loved her, pulled her close on the couch, or would sometimes crack a bottle of champagne just to celebrate them.
I've learned that being romantic and having great sex are not one in the same, so it could be that my parents didn't have great sex. I don't know, and my dad isn't around to ask - I think he's the one who would be more likely to talk openly with me about it. Unfortunately, he passed away just after I turned twenty, but my mom said what she did because she saw me as being very "sexualized" at a young age. She actually told me she saw me as being too "sexualized" because I liked to do my hair, I liked to wear cute clothes and paint my nails. I wanted to shave my legs and wear makeup. I wanted to be a girl.
I loved being a girl, and despite everything, I still love being a girl.
I subtitled this site, "class is in session" because there is so much I wish someone had told me when I was young - about so many things, but especially about sex and relationships. The amount of misinformation, bad information, and unfounded judgmental attitudes so pervasive in Christian circles frustrates me to no end. So here I am, a Christian woman writing about sex because I think it's necessary - and I really like sex, and talking about sex. It shouldn't be such a taboo subject when it's something everyone does, so why are we so uncomfortable talking about it?
I do feel that if we could talk about sex and sexuality more openly and in healthy ways, especially in the church, people like myself would be more likely to speak up about abuse. There is so much shame around sex in the Christian community, and in society, it makes abuse one of the hardest things to admit, nearly impossible for a child or young person, because the abused feels it's their fault, that they are to blame, and that is something that has to change.
Sex and sexuality were totally chaotic topics for me for a long time, because of how they were handled by my parents (particularly my mom), because of my experiences of being sexually abused as a child, and because I survived a rape by an armed assailant as an adult. I have been so sensitive about telling my story because it sounds like a horrifying version of one of those "but wait! there's more!" infomercials. After I was raped, I discovered I was pregnant, and subsequently had an abortion. That's a whole different topic that I will tackle at some point in this blogging journey.
As you read this, please, please, please, do not feel sorry for me. I don't share any of this to garner sympathy. I don't want that. What I want is for any person reading this who has survived abuse or assault of any kind, to know that there is life and hope in the aftermath. You are not alone. I know you're hurting and afraid and feeling things you can't fathom, even as something inside you has died, but you can be free. You are not less because of what happened. You can have an amazing, wonderful, fulfilling life. You can have an amazing, wonderful, fulfilling sex-life, and you can have whole, healthy relationships. It takes a lot of work to learn how to stop the tapes from playing, but it can be done. You can do it.
Despite the dark places I've been to, my husband and I have a crazy amazing sex life because we chose to work on it and make it a priority (for reasons you can read about in some blog posts!), and while we do not define ourselves as D/s, I respect and admire many things about, and people within, the BDSM community. Having the freedom to explore has turned our "vanilla" sex (which was always good with my husband), into more of a neapolitan ice cream sunday, with all kinds of delicious condiments mixed in. My husband is the person who gave me the safe place and the confidence to let my inner sex kitten roam as wild and free as she wants to, so thank you, honey!
This site is a work in progress and is intended to be educational, informative, and fun. So take a look around, peruse the various topics, check back often, and most importantly, have a good time.